Tuesday, March 01, 2005

an ugly head has reared

The past few weeks have been vaguely reminiscient of last summer for me. For those of you who don't know, my doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression/anxiety when Rowan was about four-months-old. After the diagnosis, I completely cleared my calendar for the rest of 2004 and started an anti-depressant and weekly counseling. Because of the empty calendar, the Zoloft, and the counseling -- along with numerous prayers on my behalf -- I've been feeling much, much better these past few months. But the last couple weeks have been rough. I've been experiencing more anxiety, more sadness, more all-around crumminess. And I'm not sure what to do about it. What would alleviate the anxiety? Moving back to Texas to be closer to our families? Quitting breastfeeding? Taking stronger medication? Attending a smaller church where we could actually get to know people? Regular exercise? Going back to work part-time?

"But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.' " (2 Cor 12)

Maybe this anxiety is my "thorn in the flesh". But I sure hope not.

9 Comments:

Blogger mdlg said...

I don't know what to say because words fail me when I read things like that. Just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Shelly said...

You and I have so much in common. You need to read my entry that I wrote this morning. I wrote it before I read yours. There are 2 more verses that you will be encouraged by. I haven't been diagnosed with postpardom depression, but I have recently started counseling because of feelings of depression. I think Satan is prowling around both of us wanting so much to devour us, but with Paul's words (actually God's words) in 2 Cor. and the Armor of God (Eph. 6) praise the Lord that Satan does NOT have a hold on us!!
It's so nice to know that I am not the only one out there struggling with this "stronghold."
By the way---it IS an ugly head isn't it???

6:38 PM  
Blogger MDM said...

Thank you for sharing, Jana. I hurt for you and anyone struggling with mental illness. I am so glad you are not afraid to get help for yourself. I will pray for you. Please keep your blog updated on your progress.

8:38 PM  
Blogger J-Wild said...

Hey Jana,
I can imagine that you are feeling all sorts of things right now. Just try to remember that your fight with this is a marathon where you will have miles of feeling great, and miles of feeling not so great. God, your wonderful family, and those of us who know you so well will be walking with you every step of the way. Honesty and transparency are your most formidable weapons against the unrealeanting feelings of fear, doom, and inadaquacy. Stay strong, cling to God, lean on Brandon, and find something to laugh at everyday.

10:41 PM  
Blogger Little Light said...

I hope it's not your thorn in the flesh either. I'm glad the Zoloft and therapy have been helping. I try to remember to "hold to his unchanging hand" when I'm feeling depressed (doesn't always work, but it's the only thing we can count on completely).

11:12 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings, Jana. I know a lot of women feel that they need to keep it to themselves and don't get help. Remember God is with you during the ups and downs. I'll be praying for you, Brandon, and Rowan.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Clarissa said...

Oh, Jana, you should email me. We could get together for lunch one of these days and I could tell you some stories, and perhaps offer some encouragement and suggestions. You are NOT alone, dear girl, you are not alone. I've been battling similar problems for well over a decade, and it's so hard on everyone around me, not to mention on ME. We should talk.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Clarissa said...

AND ... you can email me here: clarissa dot cox at comcast dot net. Please don't hesitate. I have time for you.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Sherry said...

You need to go the blog Amy Loves Books and scroll down and read her four part story about post-partum depression and how she survived. It's difficult to read in a way, but hopeful nonetheless.

7:47 PM  

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