Monday, May 02, 2005

welcome to stay-at-home-mommydom

There are jillions of things I'd like to be writing about at the moment, but I'm having a hard time concentrating with my infant son screaming bloody murder in his crib. The freak-out crying has got to stop. It really needs to stop. I cannot go to him right now. I will not go to him. Much too angry.

I write this and I feel guilty. Especially with friends who have a baby in the NICU who is fighting for his life. As much as I hurt for them, and as much as I know they would rather have their son at home, crying in their arms...Rowan is still screeching at the top of his lungs, and I'm feeling a strong, overwhelming urge to curse and smash inanimate objects.

Brandon says I should take him for a walk. So I'm going.


Blogger Phil said...

At least you want to smash inanimate objects and not, say, the cat.

I remember several times that Kinsey would just not stop screaming. One night (about 1:30 AM) I was trying to get her to calm down and ran through the litany of baby things: hungry, diaper, sick, tired. As I was walking around and rocking her, I literally yelled, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY WON'T YOU STOP CRYING?"

I felt really bad about it afterwards, but talked to a lot of other people who'd done the same thing.

However, it's all worth it now, when I come home and she jumps into my arms or knocks me down. And when she hugs me spontaneously and says, "I love you, Daddy," and winks at me.

This is why I cry at the end of "Monsters, Inc" and Jesse's song in "Toy Story 2."

Hope your day gets better.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Little Light said...

When my friend's husband died, I learned from her that it's okay to feel aggravated, irritable, mad, impatient, whatever. If you're having a bad day, you're having a bad day. Everything's relative and knowing that someone's situation is worse doesn't necessarily change that. She told us to stop saying "not that it's as bad as what you're going through." She knew we cared.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Jana said...

Thank you Little Light! I needed to hear that!

12:06 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

I say SMASH STUFF!! Of course, I am saying this after the crisis is over so I guess it doesn't help much. However, I do know the feeling--it is infuriating beyond comprehension for anyone who has not been in this situation. And just so you know, besides wanting to break things I have also wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and bang my head on my hardwood floors for an extended period of time.

Oprah's right: this is the hardest job in the world!

6:25 PM  
Blogger Clarissa said...

Yup ... not always fun or easy, is it? Thank God they do eventually sleep and you get quiet moments. Although when you have four, it's hard to get them to all be asleep at the same time. Oh, well.

This is why you need Mother's Day Out! Have you gotten that going yet?

Hope you're having a sweet day today ...

And like Phil said, I think many parents have yelled at their kids in those moments. I know I have. But they still seem to like me, so I guess we're okay! I do always try to impress upon them that even Mommy isn't perfect, though of course when they were young enough to scream like that they didn't understand.

Sorry I'm rambling. Must go dress children, for today is MY mother's day out!

8:31 AM  

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