Wednesday, June 08, 2005

proverbs 31? yeah right.

Rowan has started frantically waving and crying when Brandon leaves for work in the mornings. It's just about the saddest thing EVER. Sometimes I feel like joining in with him!

I want to be stronger. I really do. I want to be like Sheryl, who, while 10 months pregnant, and with two toddlers underfoot, remodeled a friend's house. I want to be like the parents I saw on Ellen yesterday who were smiling with joy to be finalizing the adoption of their twelve children. I wanted to be one of those new moms who -- even though having just given birth and sporting a hospital gown -- looks glowing and beautiful and thrilled in the first photo with her newborn. Just getting up in the morning and not feeling so anxious about what the day will bring might even be enough. I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I really do.

But I'm not. I'm not anywhere close. I look like a mess. I feel like a mess. I've always thought I wanted a whole passel of kids, but now that I have one, I'm not so sure. Motherhood is so, SO much harder than I ever thought it would be.

Fortunately I have an easy child. And an easy husband. That must mean the problem is with me...right?

Reading my blog has got to be the hugest drag sometimes.


Blogger Tony Arnold said...

I keep trying to get my wife to post to your blog, she a stay at home mom with one child too. I will try again.


9:06 AM  
Blogger Little Light said...

Jana, I don't know what to tell you except that I enjoy reading your blog and I will pray for you.

Sometimes appearances are deceiving. Sometimes what you see and what is actually going on are two completely different things. Not everyone is as happy or living as perfectly as they seem to. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.

9:56 AM  
Blogger JMG said...

Jana, thanks for stopping by my blog, and thanks for the link!

I can't imagine what it must be like to be at home with a baby, but I hope you find the peace that you need.

I had to go back and look at proverb 31 because it had been a long time since I'd read it. Yep, that woman is a difficult woman to live up to, but one thing I noticed is that the words are what a mother said to her son. We all know that no mother thinks that any girl is good enough for her son, and what she says here is just whom she hopes her son will marry. Of course, this woman doesn't really exist; even if she did, Mom of the son is still going to find something to criticize her about! ;-)

12:50 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Hey Jana,
Just know you're not alone. We don't have the same exact situation/experiences, but I know the feeling of "why can't I pull it together?!" I've felt that way about my house, my looks, my search for the "perfect" job, being a mom...on and on. A song I'd recommend is Peace, Be Still by Acappella Co...I used to listen to it repeatedly (kind of as a meditation) in my pre-mom days when I'd get really anxious about things I couldn't control. I should listen to it more these days...but it's hard to just be still, huh?

2:42 PM  
Blogger jch said...

It's probably no surprise that I'm not a fan of Proverbs 31. It was written in a time when women (wives) were owned by men. And "owned" is not at all too strong of a word. I could go on but I'll spare you a sermon.

So you aren't a Prov 31 woman/wife/mom? That's fine because I guess I would rather you have the characteristics of one who is faithful even in the midst of struggle. And that you are, Jana!

It's not only evident in your writings but in your actions. My family received packages from you that showed your love, compassion and care for us. And through those packages, Laura and I were once again reminded of how God loves us through God's people.

I'm so glad to call you friend.

9:13 AM  
Blogger jayme said...

ok sweetie...I have been readin your blog for many days lately just to feel like I'm not the only one who doesn't quite have it all together. :) I also have a picture of the mom, wife, Christian I would like to be...and I just seem so far from that.

I know that somedays your courage melts right from that first glimpse of dirty dishes or the messy living room floor.

Just remember your MOST important job in Christ is loving yourself and your baby and your family. And if thats all you manage in a day...good work...thats tough sometimes. :)

Hang in there.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I second what my husband said. I wish you lived next door so we could hang out and help each other navigate through this thing called motherhood.

much love to you!

3:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having had four consectutive days of more than the usual mess, (including having milk accidentally poured over my head by one child while dressing the other from a very smelly diaper change in a very small McDonald's bathroom stall- don't even ask), I have to say that I do not feel like the super moms I see everywhere, either. I feel tired and sticky and frustrated. Sometimes I wish that it was more like the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue pictures. No one has thrown up, ground Ritz bits into the carpet, peed on the furniture or thrown a tantrum. But you can't hear laughter off of a magazine page, and you can't wipe the tear off of a glossy photo. Sometimes, I think the repitition of motherhood is the hardest part- didn't I just wash/clean/feed/discipline that very person five minutes ago???? I THINK, ALTHOUGH WE ARE NOT ALL GEOGRAPHICALLY CLOSE, THIS A LITTLE COMMUNITY OF MOTHERHOOD, IN ALL IT'S (I think someone hit the caps lock!) gunk & glory. So, here's to supporting one another!

5:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just gave birth to my first baby last Wednesday. I have enjoyed reading your blog and agree that it is a wonderful way to know that we are not alone. I am just beginning my journey through motherhood, but I find comfort in knowing that it's OK to admit weakness and imperfection because that is when God works his best in us. I hope you will feel HIS strength and peace today. Blessings.


7:13 PM  
Blogger Chel said...

Jana - Thanks for visiting my blog earlier. Come back anytime! Rearing children is an enourmous responsibility and challenge. It's difficult for all of us, but the strength we find in one another and in our faith can sustain us.

I think my job as a mother is to slowly work myself out of a job, to rear my children to the point where they rely upon the Lord and not upon me. Letting go is best done in small steps. Pre-school will prepare you for kindergarten and so on.

Your little Rowan will probably love pre-school, and you'll find yourself delighted by the new things he can come home and teach you.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Annie Crawford said...

Hi Jana - I was visiting Marla Swoffer's links and read a bit of your blog. I have been leading Bible studies for new moms the past year and have discussed this feeling of inadequacy and being overwhelmed quite a bit! Mothering is like any job, it takes SKILLS! There is a learning curve and you will get better at it! Keep pursuing it as you any "real" dream job, with creativity, hard work, excitement, etc. . .

There is no perfect image of a Christian wife. I read Prov. 31 as a poem, similar to Song of Songs. Without fairy tales and glorious images, we would languish for lack of dreams and heros. However, it is not a set reality to try and live up to. Is your sex life like song of song? mine sure isn't! But reading it inspires me to dream, to put in effort and to be more creative in loving my husband. As does Prov. 31 with my homemaking. Don't see it as a standard to reach, but a poem to inspire!

Hoping to encourage you . . . - I am pregnant with my third baby in 4 years, so I am sympathetic to your feelings!

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel your anxiety and frustration! I just completed a year long bible study over Proverbs and it ended with a study of Proverbs 31. I was more encouraged by that passage than intimidated by it after the study was complete. Basically it is all summed up by: beauty is fleeting but fearing the Lord is most important. I know you possess this quality more than any other!

3:32 PM  
Blogger SkiTheStars said...

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10:24 PM  

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